No matter how much we love a soulmate, or how attached we may feel, sometimes separation is the healthiest option. When we have given our heart to a soulmate, reclaiming it requires effort, compassion and space. Removing our soulmate from the mix while we learn what we need to learn to create a new version of ourselves, allows us to more clearly and powerfully redefine our identity.
If it feels as if now is the time to let go, here are a few ideas to help the process along:
- Regulate the Love.
Romantics tend to put their soulmate on a pedestal. Romantics also have a high tolerance for pain and are at risk of succumbing to romantic delusion.
At some point the ‘never gonna let you go’ sentiment becomes hazardous to our health and is also a misuse of our manifesting power. When we over-attach to a mate, we get detached from the person we are and want to be.
Attachment and codependence can be a lifetime struggle for many of us.
Attachment is often confused with love although at it’s core, attachment is just need, not love. This topic won’t fully be covered here, but the key to healing attachment issues often involves looking back on our earliest primary relationship blueprints. More on that in another piece. For now, find healthy ways to love yourself up and meet your own needs.
Here is a fun exercise inspired by the idea that we have the ability to feel more or less attached (love regulation) using mental reappraisal strategies study
If you find yourself pining and you’d rather not be, try creating a ‘shitty moments memory box’ to remind you that this person isn’t a match for what you want. Fill it with deal-breakers, disrespects and disregards.
The goal here is not to stew or blame and there’s no need to share this with others. Aim for a balanced perspective around your soulmate. Take a look in the box when you can’t shake feelings of grief over the amazing love you’ve lost. You will more and more clearly see what you need to see to realize that the story you were living off was imbalanced and therefore unsustainable.
- Unleash the drama.
Connect with the archetype of tragic love and write a letter to Juliet about your confusion or sadness. Articulating your pain is cathartic and you can take part in a sweet ritual to help you let go. Every Valentine’s Day, the Italian city of Verona receives about 1,000 letters of heartache and unrequited love addressed to Shakespeare’s heroine. The tradition very likely goes back centuries. ‘People started by leaving notes on a local landmark said to be Juliet’s tomb. In the 90s, Verona was receiving so many letters, it created an office with a small army of 15 volunteers who call themselves the “secretaries.” The secretaries answer each letter by hand.
- Transmute the emotion.
Accept all of your feelings for your soulmate. We often bounce between extremes when letting go. Infinite tenderness is contrasted by a firey irritation. Use any pain to fuel new creations. We can get a lot done and help others as we create and share. As the letting go process unfolds, practice nonjudgment. The irritation fire will subside if you stop feeding it judgments.
Take a look into what you have learned so far and become aware of the gifts.
We know more about our values after deep healing experiences with soulmates. If you can cultivate gratitude for the symbolic chord your soulmate struck, the love they shared and the deep healing themes they catalyzed, you will more easily forgive and you’ll be planting seeds for a new connection to be born. Forgive and surrender whatever is left to a greater intelligence.
- Have a dance off.
Gather up the old mixes and music that remind you of your soulmate and have a little dance ritual. As you listen and dance, memories and emotions may come up. As they do, let them through. Breathe, cry and move it out of your body. Songs can be anchors. Say a little prayer after each song to forgive and reclaim your energy. You can use the Ho’oponopono prayer (I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I Love you) OR anything that releases and blesses you and your soulmate.
- Rewrite the story.
For every romantic soul, there comes a point at which we awaken to the power of our story and begin to grapple with it. Like an ourobouros, story feeds our identity and our identity feeds our story. Sometimes we want so badly to believe, that we find evidence all around us to prop up an unsustainable story.
So, if a story is not working or doesn’t feel good, BE A REVISIONIST…rewrite parts of the story. Maybe it needs a new detail here and there, or maybe it just needs a new ending.
If the love story feels tainted, let it go.
If it doesn’t serve our highest romantic ideal, let it go.
If it’s not the love story we want to leave as a legacy, let it go.
Loosen the grip of the old story.
It’s OK to let go.
It’s safe to let go.
A BIGGER STORY is developing.
A GREATER LOVE is waiting to be experienced.
Where and on what we focus is a choice.
Letting go is a choice.
It’s time to call on our creative muses and tap into our creative juices!
Revise the story or…
Start writing a new one.
- Break the pattern.
There is a scene between two characters in which a therapist gives a deeply heartbroken woman this advice:
‘Break the cycle for this one day. Do something you’ve never done before. Right now. Doesn’t matter what it is. Eat something new. Go somewhere different. Tell me about it tomorrow.’
One of the most important steps in a healthy soulmate separation, is just ‘getting back out there’ with a curiosity and an (even partially) open heart. Remember, love precedes understanding and it’s never a bad idea to experiment with love.
Redefine what loving your soulmate means. Keeping a distance and sending prayers for our soulmate’s happiness can be one of the most generous things we can offer. Do the healthy separation work and we may just find that we have also prepared ourselves for a greater, multi-lifetime love. And what can be better than that?
I wish you Love.