Have you ever been lost in love that was causing you great pain? Obsessing and circling around the same unanswerable questions…Does he/she care as much as I do? How can we be so connected, but so far away from each other? Why. can’t. this. work?
In the first article, we explored ways to identify a romantic form of soulmate connection referred to as a ‘love-mate’ and discussed how intense that type of connection can feel. We discussed the dark emotions that can be provoked within us when confronting the loss of a love-mate. With this type of loss, we don’t just lose a partner. We lose a best friend, a lover, a door to divinity; essentially, we lose the ability to live out our dream life.
In the grief that accompanies the loss of a love-mate relationship, it is possible to find treasure. To learn more than you’ve ever learned before. In the process, you may just discover yourself.
It’s time to find YOU and rise from the ashes of the heartbreak.
This guide will help.
It may seem that our soulmate holds the key to our happiness because so much love and adoration gets activated between us early on in the relationship. This causes us to buy into the illusion that someone else can save and fulfill us. We begin to abandon our Self as our focus shifts to our mate. In an attempt to try to recreate the old blissful feelings, we obsess. We begin to have ceaseless thoughts about our mate, and wonder if they are thinking about us. As anthropologist Helen Fisher says…”Someone is camping in your head.”
But happiness is an inside job.
So how do we discover our Truth, and see the love inside ourselves?
First, we can identify the fantasies we’ve projected onto our mate. With past-life lovers, we may have the added weight and challenge of identifying vows and memories. We project a fantasy onto someone else and become disappointed or frustrated when our hopes and expectations go unmet. Often what we think is love is actually just need.
So we have two choices.
We can let the projections go and start fresh.
We can deconstruct our mental context for the relationship and rework it into something empowering.
Soulmates are here to show us ourselves, not rescue us. We can take responsibility for our own feelings of anger, fear and sadness and diffuse triggers like betrayal, abandonment, or rejection. Emotional release focused therapies are fantastic for this purpose.
Intimacy issues play a big role in dismantling relationships of all kinds, but especially love-mate relationships. The most common types of intimacy issues are 1) Fear of engulfment, when we run away for fear of being trapped–or having too much responsibility for our mate. 2) Fear of distance, where we cling because we are afraid of being away from a loved one. If you feel trapped by your love-mate, have a desperate yearning need for them, or feel a desire to change or control them…it means you have some healing to do.
Understanding the love-mate cycle.
Love-mates often reconnect for reassurance. We bring each other a sense of something transcendent, and it is soul soothing. Love-mates will attract each other until our agreed upon lessons are learned; Soul contracts complete.
There are two main phases in a love-mate cycle. Together and Away. For love-mates, our time ‘away’ is as important as our time ‘together’. Allow the away part of the cycle to fully occur. Why? Because, in our time apart, mates can learn and work out individual patterns without having the other around as a scapegoat. In essence, the away cycle forces us all to be with our own feelings.
The main reason our mate enters our life is to open our heart.
Feeling blissful love for each other is healing in and of itself. Love is Truth and sometimes it takes a moment to integrate the truths we are uncovering. There is always a CHOICE to either heal ourselves or run from our truth. The more we run, the more we keep attracting triggers (often in the form of button pushing love-mates) to bring up our issues until we face them.
Some understandings that expand our awareness:
- It takes two to tango. We attract our love-mates because on some level they are a vibrational match for us. We may not have the same lessons to learn, so it’s important to focus on our own lessons.
- Our own growth will help our mate. Inexplicably, soul mates and love-mates tend to experience parallel lessons. If we become the healing warrior and do the work (even if it seems our mate isn’t) the telepathic pressure will pull on them to transform and we may find they’ve grown parallel to us even when we aren’t in communication.
- Time doesn’t really exist the way we perceive it (linearly). The truth is that we are infinite and timeless. Everything may even be happening simultaneously; Take a deep breath and wrap your multi-dimensional awareness around that.
How to maximize growth…ie HOW TO DEAL.
- Question your disempowering self-talk. Create an affirmation around releasing the past and begin tuning in to the power and freedom in the present moment.
- Surrender. Don’t fight it. Just love him or her, feel the pain of rejection (do some healing!) and let go of the attachment to how the connection should look. We become better people as we make room for love and pain. As stated previously, when we begin to grow in our self-worth, we also catalyze growth for our mate.
- Release self-judgment. We can fall into the trap of judging ourselves for not getting over ‘it’ more quickly. As we learn self worth lessons, we will eventually accept life and our mates as they are. That’s freedom.
- Let go of longing. As long as we are in a place of lack, ie. longing for our mate; we keep them away energetically from stepping back into our life, if they choose.
- Find others who understand ‘love-mate pain’ and the feelings of craziness when we fear we are losing this connection. Because like I mentioned earlier, friends and family may not be able to understand why we can’t just get over it.
- Believe the best is yet to come. (Because it is!)
- Transmute your emotions. Emotions are great motivating forces. So if you have feelings, ride the waves. Create art in honor of your love-mate.
Atticus: How do you do it Hank? The woman that you love is out there and you know you can’t have her. How do you even get up in the morning?
Hank: Booze is always helpful; and so is the art. Everything that I write is either for her or about her so, I’m with her, even when I’m not, in my writing.
– Californication season 6 episode 12
Another example of transmutation of emotion…
Ed Leedscalnin was a small man, a bit over 5 feet tall and barely 100 pounds. He came to South Florida from Latvia (after recovering from Tuberculosis) and built a castle completely out of coral. As the story goes; In Latvia, Ed fell in love with a girl named Agnes Scoffs. They were to be married, but she broke it off with him the night before the wedding. He referred to her as his “Sweet Sixteen” for the rest of his life. Working by himself, he built the Coral Castle in honor of Agnes. It took him decades to complete this monumental creation. Now that is a powerful homage. Creating something beautiful and lasting from pain. Keep on living and creating when you are separated from your mate.
We each have a purpose to express and we all have areas where we are not yet living our truth. Connecting with a love-mate can reveal those secrets to us. The path home to ourselves AND our love-mates is in surrender to Truth. When two souls are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart permanently, not even themselves. The higher vibration you keep, the more likely you will have an uplifting sacred mirroring experience with your love-mate. Understanding and acceptance of our love-mate raises our vibration, sets us free AND teaches us unconditional love. True love sets us free. It asks for nothing, it just pours outward.
This Valentine’s Day, let’s commit to building solid and stable romantic relationships with ourselves and go from there. Love is good!